


Words

by KCeeRae



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky trusts and consents to Steve using his trigger words, M/M, Mind Control, Non-consensual mind control, Rehabilitation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 18:00:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13172265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KCeeRae/pseuds/KCeeRae
Summary: Warmth. The sound of pressure being released. Blood pumping in his veins. The cryo-tube was defrosting and Bucky feels a surge of hope within his body. T’Challa, standing to the left of the tank, he only has eyes for Steve, standing right in the front of it. He’s beaming, and Bucky feels himself return the smile. He knows what a defrost means. He had made his conditions clear. He moves the fingers on his remaining hand and takes a breath of fresh air as the lid of the container slides away. “ You figured it out…?” He asks, voice rough from lack of use and hope.“... Yeah, Buck.” Steve says, offering a hand to Bucky to help steady him as he shakily steps out of his containment. “ We’ve been workin’ real hard, and we think we’ve figured … something out to help you.”Bucky had been clear, he wasn't supposed to be defrosted unless they could reverse the mind control. Steve has a plan, and it'll take a lot of trust on both their sides to make it work.(Unbeta'd)





	Words

Warmth. The sound of pressure being released. Blood pumping in his veins. The cryo-tube was defrosting and Bucky feels a surge of hope within his body. T’Challa, standing to the left of the tank, he only has eyes for Steve, standing right in the front of it. He’s beaming, and Bucky feels himself return the smile. He knows what a defrost means. He had made his conditions clear. He moves the fingers on his remaining hand and takes a breath of fresh air as the lid of the container slides away. “ You figured it out…?” He asks, voice rough from lack of use and hope. 

“... Yeah, Buck.” Steve says, offering a hand to Bucky to help steady him as he shakily steps out of his containment. “ We’ve been workin’ real hard, and we think we’ve figured … something out to help you.” There’s a ‘but’ in his voice and Bucky focuses his eyes on Steve’s face. 

“... I’m not gonna like it, huh?” Bucky asks, holding on a little tighter to Steve’s arm. 

“ No one likes it.” Steve confirms, face falling, “ Come on, pal. We need to get you cleaned up.” Bucky relents, knowing Steve would tell him everything when he was settled. 

 

~

 

A warm shower, dry clothing, and a steaming bowl of soup later, Steve and Bucky are sitting beside one another at the small kitchen table in the apartment Steve has been calling home. It was two floors up from the room Bucky had been frozen in, and had two bedrooms which had their own bathrooms and with a comfortable living room and functional kitchen. It’s a space for two that has been a space for one until today. 

It was supposed to be a happy day. Bucky’s one and only rule was that he not be woken up until T’Challa’s scientists and doctors had found a cure for the trigger words planted inside of his head. It was more somber, however, as the solution they found was not full proof and something which Steve had hoped Bucky would never have to experience again. 

Bucky can see the slight shift in muscle and expressions happening on Steve’s face. There is happiness, because Bucky is next to him. There’s worry and hesitance, and as he finishes his soup he finds that he can’t wait for Steve to bring it up himself. 

“ So what do they figure?” He asks, getting up to put his bowl in the sink. Movement to lighten the mood, stopping any more uncomfortable silence. “ You didn’t wake me up to tell me I’m permanently broken, huh?” He’s making a joke but he’s surprised to find that he really hopes that isn’t the case. Being frozen for the rest of his life. Or even worse, being put down when he’s only now himself.

“ No, no, Bucky. It isn’t that. It’s… they didn’t put the words into your mind with any device. No science, or machine. It didn’t have anything to do with the memories they were taking from you.” Steve explains slowly. 

Bucky nods, “ I know. They beat them into me.” He takes a breath, squeezing his eyes shut to force away the images. “Seventy-years of torture and repetition. People can mess people up real bad without any fancy tech.” He busies himself by washing the dishes, his back tense and facing Steve. He doesn’t remember a lot of it. The torture and various spoken triggers came to him in flashes. When and where they were implemented he couldn’t say. He only knew that they worked. 

“ Right. Right… it’s just the mind. A trauma. T’Challa thought at first maybe, trying to target and wipe parts of the brain that held the triggers. They’ve been scanning your brain and Hydra’s torture has, I guess, damaged it. So they didn’t want to risk it.” Steve said slowly, getting to his feet. He steps up to the counter and dries the dishes that Bucky had washed. 

“... damaged?” Bucky asks, stopping the awkward dish washing. Things were difficult with one arm. He felt unbalanced. 

“ The hippocampus stores memories and is the center of emotion in your brain. “ Steve explains. He can’t help but gently touch his fingers to the side of Bucky’s head so show him, “It’s in the middle of your brain, and it’s what would be shocked. It was… disintegrated, in parts. Damaged. Usually it would mean… you’d be dead. But we’re different.” He pulls his hand away and goes back to drying the dishes. “ It’s growing back, and they don’t want to risk permanent damage.” 

Bucky reaches up to touch his head where Steve had placed his fingertips, “... emotion and memory.. That’s why I was … like that.” Bucky won’t say ‘Winter Soldier’ but he never dissociates himself from the the actions of the Soldier. In his mind he takes full responsibility for everything, which is why he still sees himself as a threat that needed to be locked away. 

“ Yes. That’s why.” Steve confirms, “ So we couldn’t do anything direct to your brain. Surgery, procedures. It wasn’t a safe option. I wouldn’t let them consider anything not safe.” 

“ You worrier.” Bucky smiles a little, “ But if we ain’t gonna do nothin’ to my brain how do we fix it? Don’t tell me you’re gonna try and convince me to stay out here when I’m unsafe, Stevie... “ Bucky says, his voice gentle and Steve glances away. “ Hey now… let’s stop thinkin’ about that. Tell me about what you came up with. I know you’ve got a plan. You always do.”   
Steve looks back at him fondly, then his face hardens despite himself, “ … Reconditioning. We want to recondition you to forget the words.” Bucky flinches and Steve knows how it sounds. Torture. Forced reeducation. Flickers of memory come faster in Bucky’s mind. His head shoved under water, his face beaten into the concrete, his clothing torn and body exposed for - 

“ Bucky. Buck, hey. Where’s your head?” Steve puts his hands on Bucky’s shoulders, “ Bucky…” His voice and face brings Bucky back and he stares at Steve. “ It’s not going to be like that. It’s not going to be anything like what you’re picturing. I promise. I promise, no one is hurting you. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” He repeats. Bucky’s shoulders slump and he leans his hip against the counter so he doesn’t just fall to his knees. 

“ Right.. Right.. Just tell me what it is.” Bucky says weakly. 

“... We want to use the words. Have someone you trust use the words. Then when … the words do what they do, make that side of you, either forget the words or give new words that make you like this again.” Steve wanted to honour that fact that Bucky feels as though the Winter Soldier was him,  not someone separate from himself. “ We’ll try to do it gently. With repetition and persuasion and not violence. It’s… the only thing we got, Buck. “ Steve says. He’s never wanted Bucky to become the

Winter Soldier again, because for him it felt like a different person completely, even if it doesn’t express that to Bucky.

Bucky swallows, adam's apple bobbing in his throat, “ I… don't’ want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to get stuck that way…” 

“ We’d do it just you and someone you trust. Not anyone that would order you to do anything. Just someone with your best intentions. “ Steve assures slowly. 

“ So you.” Bucky snorts, raising and eyebrow and Steve just shrugs. 

“ I would. I’d do it if you let me.” Steve says. “... and of course you don’t have to do anything you don’t want. If you hate this idea, just… we can put you back under.” It sounds like the last thing in the world Steve wants, and Bucky feels like it owes it to Steve to try. He wouldn’t even have a chance like this if it wasn’t for Steve.   
“ We’ll try it. You’ve been trying to find somethin’ to help for … how long has it been, Steve?” Bucky asks slowly. Steve looked comfortable in the apartment. He also looked worn thin, like hadn’t been sleeping enough. Like there’d been something worrying him. Like he’d been alone. 

“ Sixth months, tomorrow. We tried to work faster, but the scans and everything… then evaluating the risks for what we plan to do. It took awhile.” 

“ Steve-” 

“ Don’t apologize for what you felt was right. What you still think is right.” He nods, offering a reassuring smile. “ I’m following your lead, pal.” 

Bucky shakes his head and smiles, “... Alright. We’ll talk about how it’ll go down tomorrow. Get on it… isn’t it funny? I’ve been asleep for sixth months and I’m so damn tired. Can I turn in?” 

“ You don’t have to ask me. Here, this room is yours. “ Steve leads Bucky to the room across from his own. “ There’s clothes, in the closet and dresser. Toiletries in a bag… lots of blankets, pillows. If you need anything-”

“ You’re right across the hall and can get me whatever I need.” Bucky fills in the rest and opens a drawer, finding the pajamas. “ Thank you, Steve. It’s good to be out. I hope it works.”

Steve hovers in the doorway and nods, “ I hope it works too.” He says sincerely, “ Sleep well. Wake me if you need anything.” He stands there for another moment before gently closing the door behind himself and going to his own bedroom. Bucky wouldn’t wake Steve for anything, Steve needed sleep. He finds a soft t-shirt and flannel pajama bottoms to sleep in and slides under the soft sheets. Bucky doesn’t think he’s ever laid in a bed like this before in his life, it’s so comfortable and plush. Closing his eyes, he settles to sleep. 

  
~

 

There’s no dreams in a cryogenic freeze. It’s not so much as a sleep as it is a stasis, therefore no dreams. There was never dreams as the Winter Soldier. The Soldier didn’t even have the capacity to dream, when he actually got to sleep somewhere and wasn’t frozen. There’d been dreams, after he pulled Steve from the river. It was mostly memories of the man he couldn’t understand, the man he felt a connection to. There hadn’t been much time to rest after he found himself again, before he’d been frozen of his own volition. He couldn’t have expected the nightmares. 

_“ No.. don’t, I don’t want-”_

_ “Zhelaniye.” Longing. “ Rzhavyy.” Rusted. “ Semnadtsat.” Seventeen. “Rassvet.” Daybreak. _

_ “ Please, please, just, stop. Stop, I don’t want-!” Arms holding him down. Pain in his shoulder. His head feels fuzzy. He has to fight it. The man saying the words. He needs to kill him. He wrenches the arm free, throws someone across the room. Breaks the next man’s nose. More try to hold him. There’s hands around his throat. He tears them away. He tears them off.  _

_ “Pech’.” Furnace. “ Devyat’.” Nine. “ Dobroserdechnyy.” Benign. “Vozvrascheniye na rodinu.” Homecoming. “ Odin.” One.  _

_ Nine words. One left. Charging forward. The hand outstretched. Wrapping around the man’s throat. He didn’t want to think about the train. Falling. Choking the words right out of his lungs. One last word, “ S-Sputnik.” Everything goes black.  _

Bucky screams, sitting up in bed. The one time failsafe. He used it and they’d killed him for wasting it. They’d beaten him for threatening the doctor. He’d been wiped. He’d fought just as hard the next time, no failsafe to save the doctors. It didn’t matter. They’d gotten him. 

There’s hands on his shoulders and his feels like he’s being held down. He tries to swing his arm, knocking them off him. He doesn’t have an arm. He gasps, things coming into focus as he begins to track his surroundings. He stares up and it’s Steve and opens his mouth, but Steve shushes him. 

Steve sits on the edge of the bed and slides his hands down Bucky’s shoulders and all the way down his intact arm. He holds his hand, rubbing his thumb across the knuckles. “ I get nightmares too.” He says slowly, “ They can’t hurt you anymore. Okay?” 

“... I think I’m just nervous about whatever we have to try to do tomorrow. I dreamed of the words. I tried to fight the words… and I hurt people. I don’t know how I’ll react if you start saying them to me, Steve. I could lose it.” Bucky spreads his fingers and tangles them with Steve’s. 

Steve nods and meets his eyes with a reassuring smile, “ I think I can handle you, Buck. I’ve got an arm up on you now anyway.” It has the desired effect, making Bucky laugh and shove Steve lightly with their combined hands .

“ Quit pickin’ on the disabled.” Bucky says while falling back, head sinking into the pillows,” Too soft. “ He breathes. It was like he was laying on a marshmallow.

“ That mean you don’t think you can go back to sleep?” Steve asks gently, smiling, “ I’d like it if you tried.” Bucky looks up at him like he doesn’t think he can and Steve squeezes his hand, “ I won’t go until you’re back asleep, how about that?” He offers. Bucky seems to consider before closing his eyes. 

“Thanks Stevie…” He whispers, already falling back to sleep. Steve stays with him for the rest of the night, sitting vigilant on the edge of the bed. 

 

~

 

When Bucky wakes Steve isn’t there anymore, but from the warm imprint on the edge of the bed he has a feeling that he hasn’t been gone long. He groans as he climbs from bed and sets about finding something to wear. Everything is his size and he finds a pair of sweats and a hooded sweatshirt. It makes him smile when he notices the sweatshirt only has one sleeve. Something comfortable would be good if he ends up moving around a lot for the project today. He combs his fingers through his hair and walks out into the common living area. Steve seems to be making breakfast and Bucky steps up beside him at the counter, “ Waffles…” He comments. 

“Waffles.” Steve confirms. “ T’Challa text me. He said that we should meet him in an hour. There’s a secure gym with surveillance. You can I can be in there, and then if anything happens he can send in backup.” He says, piling a stack of waffles six high, “ Syrup and butter?” 

“ Mm… What are you even gonna say to me when we do it, Steve?” Bucky asks, “ You think you can just say ‘forget’ and I will?” He shakes his head,” It won’t happen like that. Nothing's that easy.” he takes his plate of waffles and heads to the counter, grabbing a fork on his way. “ Thank you for breakfast.” He adds. 

Steve follows him with his own breakfast. “ I don’t know what I’ll say, but you know me. I feel like I’ll be able to get through.” He says, cutting into his stack of waffles. “... I may just work at getting past the soldier. Making you see you don’t have to follow direction… then work on words. Ten new words.” 

Bucky pokes at the holes in one of his waffles, “... I get any say or you pick ‘em already?” he wonders. 

“ It’s less about picking them. More about seeing what words will work. I mean, we can pick a few if you want?” Steve offers. Bucky shakes his head and shrugs. It means ‘ don’t worry about it’, and the two eat in companionable silence. They clean up together once they’ve finished and Steve leads Bucky into an elevator outside their room, a hand on the small of his back. Together they go down a few floors and walk into a gym. T’Challa is standing in the center of some training mats. 

“ Hello, Steven. James, it is good to see you awake and well rested I hope?” T’Challa asks, bowing his head to them. Steve does the same in return and Bucky copies it. 

“ As well as I can be. Please, call me Bucky.” He insists, fiddling with the edge of his sweatshirt. 

“ Ah, yes of course, Bucky.” T’Challa smiles,” Now Steven.” He hands him a list,” These are the words… I do not know if the english will suffice so the Russian pronunciation is present. Bucky, there are cameras all over the room and we will be viewing from the room located there.” He points to a window on the back wall of the gym. “ If anything happens, Steven is able to call for guards. Though, knowing him I doubt he would… did he explain exactly what we are trying to do?” 

“ Well enough.” Bucky shrugs, “ I trust him.” He says simply and earns a smile from Steve for it.

“ Well.” T’Challa smiles, “ I will leave you then.” He says, “ … I wish you both all the luck in the world.” He means it sincerely. He turns on his heel and leaves the gym. The door locks behind him. 

“ We should put some space between us.” Bucky says immediately. By that apparently Bucky meant he wanted to be all the way on the opposite side of the gym from Steve, and away from the window. 

“ Thought you trusted me?” Steve asks lightly. 

“ It’s not you I don’t trust.” Bucky says, staring at the floor in front of him. 

Steve takes a breath and looks down at the list in his hands. He hasn’t actually seen the words before. They’d been in the notebook they’d confiscated from Zemo when T’Challa had him handed over to the authorities. During the process of figuring out a cure for Bucky, Steve hadn’t felt prepared to see the words that could break his friend so thoroughly. He looks down and swallows.  _ Longing .  _ Steve has felt longing more than most. He knows what it’s like to desire and search for things with every part of his being. He wonders how many times Bucky longed for something free, or something more. Rusted. Seventeen. Daybreak. Furnace. Nine. Benign.  _ Homecoming.   _ It’s like they dangled it in front of Bucky’s face every time they took the possibility from him. One. _ Freight Car. _ And it’s like Steve is the one being triggered. The final word was the start of the Winter Soldier. 

“ You don’t gotta memorize them, Stevie.” Bucky chided. Steve looks up across the gym and offers him a smile. 

“ Right. Should we start?” He asks, waving the piece of paper lightly. 

“ Sure…” Bucky doesn’t sound so sure and Steve smiles, “ We can stop anytime, Bucky. “   
“ Just do it.” So Steve does. 

He’s never spoken Russian but the pronunciation that T’Challa had provided was useful. He clears his throat and speaks clearly, projecting his voice across the gym. 

“Zhelaniye.” Bucky visibly flinches and attempts to stand still. “ Bucky?” He asks and Bucky waves a hand at him.   
“ It’s fine.” He says through gritted teeth. 

“Rzhavyy. Semnadtsat. Rassvet.” Steve looks up and Bucky is shaking, mumbling under his breath. Steve can barely make it out. It sounds like, ‘Stop. Don’t’. “ Buck?” He calls but receives no reply. He looks around and doesn’t know whether to continue or stop. They’ve come this far but he told Bucky to stop he if asked. Was this him asking? “Buck?” He calls louder. “ Do you want me to stop?” A head shake. He continues.

“ Pech’. Devyat’. Dobroserdech-” There’s a hand at his throat and Steve gasps, looking up from the paper he’d be concentrating so hard on. Bucky’s eyes are wild, there’s tears in his eyes and he’s repeating over and over: 

“ Stop. Stop. Stop. “ His fingers tighten and Steve drops the list. 

“ B-Bucky.” Steve gasps, reaching up his hands and gripping Bucky’s wrists, not completely pulling the arm away. He doesn’t want to seem like a threat but he needs to let himself breathe.“ We’re stopping. We’ll stop. “ He whispers, just between the two of them. “ Come on, Buck. We’re stopping. I told you we’d stop if you wanted. Bucky, Buck…” He strokes a thumb over the inside of his wrist soothingly, feeling Bucky’s pulse. It’s erratic. 

Bucky’s fingers spasm and he lets out a quiet sob. Steve nods, “ Yeah, we’re done. It’s okay. Easy… easy…” he’s not expecting it but he catches Bucky easily when he falls into him. Steve sinks down onto the mat, Bucky coming with him. He holds him and rubs his back, keeping him grounded. 

 

~

 

Bucky disappears into his room when Steve finally manages to get him on his feet and moved to the apartment. It took some time, and Bucky was still shaky on his feet when he hid himself away. 

Steve falls down onto the couch and covers his face with his hands. He made Bucky have that reaction. Even though they knew it could happen - knew the risks - but Steve still felt personally responsible for bringing that kind of fear to Bucky’s eyes. He can’t imagine anyone hurting a man so scared and vulnerable. He rubs at his throat and when he feels his phone vibrate, shifts so he can pull it from his pocket and reads a text. _  
_ _TO: Steve_

 _FROM: T’Challa_ _  
_ _[ I am sorry that today’s trial did not go as expected. I hope your friend is feeling better. We can try again whenever you wish. Or never, if he is not able. I am sorry, Steven.]_

Steve sends a quick text back, the equivalent of ‘I’ll keep you posted. Thank you’, and tucks his phone back in his pocket. He considers his options. Bucky left him to go to his room alone, meaning it’s possible that he’d rather not see Steve for the rest of the day. Except it’s still early, and the idea of going about his day while leaving Bucky alone in his room doesn’t sit well with Steve. He could reach out to him, but if Bucky was still unstable he may just make it worse. 

Steve decides to go about his routine with the occasional check in on Bucky. He’ll knock on his door, offer him food, tell him where he’s going. He doesn’t know if Bucky has fallen asleep or just isn’t bothering to respond. He tells Bucky he’s going out to see about getting them some more groceries - usually he places an order with personnel over email but he needed to go for a walk - and when he returns Bucky’s door is propped open. It’s about seven in the evening now, and Steve is glad Bucky is welcoming him in. He couldn’t wait much longer. 

“ Buck?” Steve calls gently, putting his hand on the door and gently pushing it open. “ Bucky, do you mind if I come in?” He murmurs. Steve can see into the room just enough to see Bucky sitting on on the bed, wrapped up in his comforter. 

“ Sorry.” Bucky whispers, but Steve can still hear him. He takes that as a yes and comes into the room, closing the door behind himself. 

“ What’re you apologizing for?” Steve asks, smiling gently to put Bucky at ease. It doesn’t work. 

“ Don’t play dumb. I tried to choke you to death.” Bucky says, gritting his teeth. He’s frustrated with himself, and Steve just comes closer, sitting on the bed where he had the night before. Bucky flinches, curling back further into his cocoon of blankets, “ How can you even trust me, Steve…?” he breathes, staring at Steve’s throat. 

Steve reaches into the blankets and takes Bucky’s hand, raising it up to his neck and gently pressing Bucky’s fingers to his pulse. “ You didn’t want to hurt me.” He says simply, laying his hand over Bucky’s on his neck. He feels his skin flush under the touch. 

Bucky flinches and tries to pull his hand back, but seems drawn to the feel of Steve’s pulse, strong and alive under his fingertips. “ Doesn’t mean I didn’t. Doesn’t mean I couldn’t have even more…” He knows he bruised Steve’s skin. It’s just healed itself already. “ Steve, I hurt yo-” 

“ Stop.” Steve says firmly and holds his gaze. “ Sure. Maybe a little but you didn’t mean to. Bucky, if a few bruises is what it takes to help you, I’ll do it. Pain is nothing for your safety.” He twines their fingers and squeezes. 

Buck stares at him, “ I still don’t think I’m worth it.” He blurts, blinking back tears as he admits his own lack of self worth. He doesn’t want to feel that way. 

“ I’ll show you you’re worth it, because you’re worth everything to me. That’s why we’re doing this. That’s why we’ll continue to do it, if you want. If you don’t, we’ll stop. You can always tell me to stop.” Steve says. He gently pulls his hand back and Bucky grips it.   
“ Can… Can I also tell you not to stop? Don’t let go?” Bucky pleads. 

_ Grab my hand!  _

Steve’s grip only tightens, “I’ll never let go, Buck.” and Bucky lets himself breathe.

 

~

 

Bucky doesn’t ask to go back into the freeze the following week, but he also doesn’t ask to try the process again. He leaves his room, spending time in the common area with Steve. He’d read, picking up books off the shelf that were published after the 40’s. He’d ask Steve which ones he enjoyed, and Steve would give a small summary of his favourite novels, occasionally even reading a poem allowed. 

Bucky finds Steve’s sketchbook too, disappointed to see it almost empty and shoves it into Steve’s hands one evening, “ Told you to never give up on your art, Stevie.” And Steve spends his free time drawing now. Seeing Bucky’s smile is worth it, but being able to capture Bucky’s smile in charcoal makes the moment perfect.

The sun is just setting when Bucky comes from his bedroom to sit in the common room. Steve goes to pick up his sketchbook, until he sees Bucky, who asks, “ Can we talk a minute?” And Steve puts his sketchbook down and pats the empty couch cushion next to himself. 

“ We can talk about anything.” Steve confirms, turning to face Bucky who’s sitting cross-legged, facing him on his own place on the sofa. He sees Bucky fidget. 

“ I don’t want to go back under.” Bucky says, “ I don’t want to waste the rest of my life, while you’re still living yours. I wanna try again. Here.” he presses a piece of paper into his hands.

“ Here, Buck, but..” Steve worries the paper between his fingers, “ I want this to be a safe place. I don’t want you to be scared to be here. If you’re not ready -” 

“ I want to do it here. I feel safe here. That gym felt so contained, and trapped, and - oh don’t give me that look. I know that was the point. So I didn’t hurt anyone. I’m not gonna hurt anyone. You’re gonna have control of me anyway.” Bucky shrugs. 

“... and that’s not something I’ll take advantage of. Something I’ll abuse. I need you to trust me.” Steve says slowly. He wants to help Bucky, he’d do this for him, “ Just let me get you the wor- oh.” He looks down at the list Bucky puts in his hands. 

“ I went in your room. Sorry.” Bucky mumbles, looking somewhere over Steve’s shoulder. 

“ No secrets between us. You can go in and out of any room here as you please.” Steve says. He had nothing to hide, not from Bucky. “ Bucky, I know how serious this is. I know you’ve probably been thinking about it but I have to ask again, even if it annoys you. Are you sure?” He stresses this, reading the words on the paper. _ Longing . _

“ I’m sure.” Bucky says, holding his hand over Steve’s and curling his friend’s fingers over the list of words, “ Please, Stevie.” He looks up at him with gentle eyes. “ Please.” 

And Steve agrees, how could he say no? He takes a breath and speaks the words gently, as slow as he had the last time. “Zhelaniye.” There is no flinch from Bucky this time. Steve lets out a small breath and smiled reassuringly as he continues. “Rzhavyy.” A longer pause between each word, purposefully not stringing them together. Deep breaths passing in between them. 

“Semnadtsat.” Breathe in. “ Rassvet.” Breathe out. Bucky’s hand tightens on Steve’s own. This is where things had started to go down hill last time. Steve squeezes back. 

There’s been no indication that Bucky would like him to stop the process so he takes a breath and continues. He’s distinctly aware of the fact they’re getting to the words which caused Bucky to lash out, and as much as he trusts his friend he’s wary. Bucky is still strong, and he’s confident in his ability to bring him back around, but in all honesty he just doesn’t want to hurt him. 

“Pech’.” A breath. “Devyat’.” Bucky is curling in on himself, hand squeezing so tightly that Steve has to flex his fingers and get some blood flow.” Buck..” Bucky looks up, watching as Steve lays the list of words down and cups the back of Bucky’s neck. It make him keep eye-contact that Steve hopes is comforting. He smiles and it says ‘trust me’. 

Bucky does. “Dobroserdechnyy.” Steve has to break eye contact to look down at the list because he doesn’t have a chance in hell at pronouncing it correctly otherwise. It makes Bucky laugh, even as Steve says, “ Vozvrashcheniye na rodinu.” 

Bucky can’t help but lean his head in, forehead against Steve’s. “Odin…” A clear swallow from Steve. “ Gruzovoy vagon.” 

Steve feels Bucky tense and then there’s no movement. Only stillness. He pulls back and sees empty eyes staring at him. Not only is it disconcerting but it’s also terrifying. This is the man who almost killed him, it’s not Bucky… even if his friend insists they’re one in the same.   
Steve is reluctant but he knows there’s a few more phrases, just to check and see, “ Good morning, Soldier.” He speaks softly in English. 

“ YA Gotov otvechat’.” Ready to Comply. 

“ Can you speak English?” Steve asks curiously and he receives a, “ Yes, Sir.” In reply. It makes Steve’s blood run cold. Bucky is so lifeless, and this is how he’s lived his life for years. It’s so unfair. 

“ Right, so… I don’t have a mission or anything for you, this isn’t… I’m Steve.” He says lamely. Through all the discussion of this, T’Challa and himself had never actually figured out how this process would actually progress. Mostly T’Challa had suggested for Steve to ‘talk’ and he supposed now that’s what he would do. 

He receives no reply and doesn’t let his disappointment show, “ Ah, well… that’s okay. Anyway, no mission for you. We’re actually here to... make you, you again. Do you know your name?” 

“The Winter Soldier. Asset. Number zero-” 

“ James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky, everyone called you Bucky..” There’s a flicker of 

something in Bucky’s eyes and it doesn’t surprise Steve. Start with Bucky’s own sense of self, which had always been powerful before his corruption by Hydra. Even in the past while they’ve been together, the Winter Soldier had been present but he had been firm, ‘I am Bucky’. 

“Bu..Bucky?” The Winter Soldier repeats, brow furrowed like he can’t associate the name with himself. After a moment his face is blank again, decidedly giving up on attempting to add the name into the definition of himself.   
“ You thought James was too stuffy of a name. Like somethin’ a pastor or someone’s dad would be called. When you saved me from some guys, on the day we met, you said ‘My name is Bucky!’ and when we went back to your place your ma called you James and I could've sworn your ears and cheeks just lit right up. ‘That ain’t me!’, and honestly after that, no one but the really elderly or important people called you James. It was Bucky to everyone, and especially to me. Or Buck, that worked too. You liked that, the first time I tried it out. “ Steve sees that he’s rambling and feels awkward as the soldier’s gaze bores into him. He soldiers on, however. 

There was one time a girl wouldn’t date him unless he started to call himself James because Bucky sounded like something a delinquent would be called. Steve had scoffed and said there was no one more upstanding than Bucky Barnes. Of course there was people who even asked if he was related to the late president, James Buchanan or if his parents had certain political affiliations. No, he wasn’t, and honestly he didn’t care where the name came from.

Bucky was just proud to be himself. 

After forty-five minutes or so of stories relating to Bucky and his namesake Steve clears his throat,” How about we get you to bed then, huh?” He offers, getting to his feet. The soldier stands immediately, at attention. He follows stoically behind Steve to his bedroom and Steve motions carefully toward the bed. Sleep, they had determined, would work to reset Bucky’s mind and bring him back to himself. It was better than a hard smack to the head. 

He’s surprised when the soldier speaks, just for a moment to ask, “ In a bed?” and Steve 

realizes sleep for the soldier would have had more permanent and frozen implications. 

“ Yeah, this is your room. No more freezing, ever if you don’t want. You can sleep in this bed.” Steve says, standing in the doorway. 

The Soldier looks at him and methodically pulls back the covers, lays down and recovers

himself, staring at the ceiling as he lay straight as a board on his back. 

“... have a goodnight, Buck.” Steve turns the light off and stays up in the living room

for the rest of the night, hesitant to allow the soldier to go on without supervision, just in case. 

Staying up doesn’t actually work so well for Steve, in the end he wakes up and he’s staring at Bucky, who’s holding up a blanket. 

“ You’re dumb.” Bucky says, and seems to reconsider his original plan of laying a blanket

on Steve, and instead sits down, leans against him and covers them both up with the blanket. “ You stayed up all night to make sure I was good, didn’t ya?” 

“ Guilty.” Steve yawns, rubbing at his eyes.” Didn’t succeed though… “ 

“Think you did.” Bucky argues, closing his eyes. 

“Hm? But I fell asl-” 

“ … He, I…  _ we _ , this is confusing… “ Bucking complains, “... either way, ‘Bucky’. 

Just kept thinking it over and over again. James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky. When you were talkin’, it really just pounded it into the mind. I think … Bucky is gonna be one of the words.” He says softly.   
“ Your name.” Steve points out. 

“ Bringing me back to who I am.” Bucky seems content to lay there and sleep for awhile longer. With a glance at the clock Steve can see why, it’s early in the morning. He decides he wouldn’t mind settling down either. 

“ Of course, Buck.” 

~

 

They don’t try again for awhile, so it is hard to see if they had actually made progress. When they do attempt again - in the confines of their small apartment, sitting next to each other on the floor - the progress is very clear. When Steve says, ‘Odin’, Bucky becomes the Winter Soldier. It surprises Steve, to say the least. He’s caught off guard. Even more so when the soldier looks at him and says, “ My name is Bucky.” 

He clearly remembers the last time and realizing what is happening, Steve grins. The words are being replaced, and while it’s worrying that Bucky can more easily become the Soldier Steve wants to quickly go about putting more happy thoughts into Bucky’s mind, replacing trigger words with words of comfort. 

“ Hey there, Bucky.” Steve says warmly. He had thought a long time about exactly what words would make Bucky … feel. He’d finally chosen a few, and today he knows what he’s going to talk about. He remembers Bucky saying, ‘ Your mom’s name was Sarah ‘ and says, “ My mom’s name was Sarah. She was like your mom, too. Most days you’d be at our house, without fail. “ This earns him a head tilt from the Soldier who - distant from his memories as Bucky - is trying to understand Captain America’s place in his life. 

“ Yeah, your mom passed away when you were young, you couldn’t really remember her. Your dad wasn’t always around. When you weren’t busy looking after me, something you’d let her take care of you.” Steve smiles fondly at the memories of the three of them gathered for a sunday dinner around a rickety old kitchen table. 

“ We never had very much.” Steve says, “ But Sarah, mom… she made she we had enough. She made sure we were happy. I remember when she brought home a new pair of shoes for you. You were ecstatic, Buck. “ There’s a little bit more recognition in Bucky’s eyes at the use of the name and Steve makes notes of this. Reiterate the words that had found a place in the Winter Soldier’s mind. 

“ Yeah, so you wore those shoes around, Bucky. Then once you outgrew them I wore ‘em. I always hand your hand-me-downs, Buck. Guess that wouldn’t work so good now, huh?” Steve motions to his chest and laughs, “ I’m bigger than you now, who woulda thought? Sarah’d be so happy… she was always so worried about me and you… Here.” 

Steve takes his sketchbook and flips to one of the pages, “ I don’t got any pictures of her but I always remember what she looks like. Plus there’s drawing I did back in the day at the museum.” 

“ I saw them… at the exhibit. I went to the Smithsonian. “ Steve is surprised but continues to hand the book over to Bucky so he can see the picture of his mother. 

“ You went? That’s good. You probably saw everything about yourself then, Buck. How… did that make you feel?” Steve asks despite feeling he sounds like some sort of talk show host asking that question. 

“... they said it was tragic. What happened.” The Soldier’s brow furrows, “ What happened

to Buc- to me. That it was a tragic accident. That we…” He stops talking and it seems as though he’s cut off that train of thought,” I saw your drawings. Of Sarah. She was beautiful.” He says carefully, as though he’ll be judged for saying something so heartfelt. 

Steve’s smile is blinding and he nods, looking down at his mother. “ She was… just a beautiful person over all. “ 

Steve tells bucky about the time Sarah saved enough money to take them for a dinner that had more than one course. Followed by times when she’d gotten Bucky out of trouble and then when Sarah had passed and Bucky invited Steve to live with him. He’d been so grateful for Bucky then, when life had seemed impossibly hard. Who would have thought it would only get harder? 

Eventually, when the Soldier’s reactions stop being as animated Steve calls it a night and lets him go to this room. But ‘lets’ means he had to tell Bucky to go to sleep in his own bed and watch again the confused expression pass his face as he wanders to his room. 

Steve sleeps unintentionally on the couch and when he wakes to a sleepy Buck crawling up against his side he falls back asleep happily and warm as Bucky mumbles against his side, “ Sarah was an amazing mother…” 

 

~

 

When Steve’s hypothesis of the progression of their experiment is proven to be true it excites him and worries him. It’s terrifying because the Winter Soldier, when activated the next time, appears after ‘homecoming’, the eighth word. It’s exciting because in a way they’re making progress. When the Winter Soldier appears he repeats the words that touch him. So far, it’s Bucky and Sarah. Steve is hopeful. 

They do, however, find setbacks. Certain words Steve tries do not carry the same self-actualizing effect as the first two. Steve had tried baseball, a sport they’d both enjoyed viewing, but when -in the fourth session - he tried to bring around the soldier he still came around on ‘homecoming’ with no mention of the previous attempt at rehabilitation. While still mentioning Sarah and Bucky, just not baseball. It happened again when Steve tried the name of Bucky’s longest held girlfriend, Lorraine, and apparently Bucky’s memory of her didn’t run that deep. 

After a third failed attempt to have anything stick - the word was America - Bucky sits next to Steve, taking a deep breath and states,  “ You’re adorable, really, but stupid.” He hands Steve a note pad with some ideas jotted down. ‘ Brooklyn, Newspaper, 107th, Howling Commandos ‘. Suffice to say after a lot of teasing Steve conceded that these ideas were significantly better and he’d missed the mark.  

In the span of two weeks six words in total had been introduced to Bucky. He was now reverting the Winter Soldier by the time Steve said ‘daybreak’. Alternatively the Soldier had never been so animated. It was as strange contrast because Steve - if he ever dared to - could still command Bucky to do whatever he wished, no matter how many words they got down to. He’d still go to bed as soon as he was told or be at attention to view whatever Steve wanted to show him. Yet he talked, about memories primarily associated with the words given to him. 

He called himself Bucky, he remembered the pies Sarah used to bake, he new every inch of Brooklyn, and he remembered Steve had put newspapers in his shoes when the rain water leaked in. Memories involving the 107th regiment and the Howling Commandos could be sad, or sparse but Steve filled him in the parts he was missing. His team had missed Bucky after he’d fallen. 

Bucky’s transition back to himself was less jarring, as well. He still needed to sleep to revert back to normally but he says that he didn’t feel a disconnect with himself as much. That he could relate to the Soldier who was really just… Bucky. 

With this realization Bucky was finally, blessedly, turning back into the man Steve had lost so many years ago. He’ll never be one hundred percent the same, and Steve didn’t expect that. Afterall, he’d changed as well. But despite the changes they were finally falling back into their own, as Bucky and Steve, as it should be. They were both happier for it too, since Bucky found the fear and anxieties surrounding the uncontrollable change into the Winter Soldier lessening. 

He engaged with the faculty and other residents of T’Challa’s hidden Wakandan base, more freely leaving the room of his own accord and not only if Steve was at his side. Hesitantly the suggestion of leaving Wakanda and returning to civilization was raised, and Steve knew it would be complicated but he wanted it too. Despite whatever legalities they would have to face, considering he’d busted criminals out of an insanely secure ocean prison less than a year ago. He has a feeling, if he reached out, some semblance of normalcy could be given to them in the world again.  Maybe they’d be able to find peace. 

Steve tries something interesting at the end of their next session. It had taken four trigger words to convert the winter soldier and he had just introduced his seventh reclaiming word. “Alright. Bucky, Sarah, Brooklyn, newspaper, 107th, Howling Commandos, 2014.” Steve watches is expectantly and is amazed as the winter soldier blinks and he knows it’s Bucky staring back at him. Using the words would revert Bucky back to normal. 

Bucky is grinning and he throws himself on Steve, toppling them over on their sofa, “ Stevie! That worked! You said the new ones and I’m like… back! No sleep, at all. Command me to do something, I bet I won’t do it!” 

Steve laughs, “ Okay… um. If you really can’t do what I say then I command you to kiss me!” He jokes and Bucky stares at him long enough that Steve swallows, “What?” 

Bucky’s brow is furrowed and he looks like he’s really considering his next words. 

“Steve… you’re not supposed to tell me to do something that I  _ want _ to do.” 

Steve gasps, looking for any sign that Bucky is playing a joke on him right now. “ Buck-” 

“ I’m not kidding. I wouldn’t kid about that, Stevie… I’m a little hurt that you would.” Bucky murmurs, running a finger along Steve’s cheek. 

Steve swallows, “I-It was just the first thing that came to mind… but I guess I wasn’t really joking, at least not a hundred percent.”

Bucky licks his lips, “You sure? Cause I am… serious, about this, Steve. I’m more than one lifetime’s worth of serious right now.” 

Steve laughs softly, his hands resting on Bucky’s back. His heart is beating fast but he’s beginning to settle. This was  _ Bucky _ . He had nothing to be nervous over, not with this, “More than a lifetime’s worth, Buck… more than a lifetime’s…” 

It’s not a shock, when their lips touch. There’s heat, of course, but it’s like the warmth of coming home after a long day. They both sigh into the kiss, content not to rush. For once they’re not in a hurry, not worried the other will be taken a while. 

Bucky pulls back and he’s smiling, there might even be tears prickling the corner of his eyes. “ Should’a done that when we were fourteen.” 

Steve laughs breathlessly, a hand on the back of Bucky’s neck pulling him down until their foreheads touch, “ Yeah, well… I’d wait a hundred more lifetimes if it meant I got to have you here with with me, Buck.” 

Bucky grins, nodding, “I’d wait forever if it meant we could be together.” 

 

~

 

Bucky’s next word is ‘together’. Steve mocks him relentlessly for being a sap and Bucky tells Steve where he can shove it. They’re down to the final two words and they’re at a bit of a standstill with ideas. A reconditioning writer’s block. Despite this, unlike at the beginning of their struggle, they aren’t worried. Steve rationalizes that they’re safe here and without threat they’re able to just be with each other and explore whatever is blooming between them. 

Today they’re in the gym and actually using it for its intended purpose. Steve runs the track while Bucky lifts weights in the corner of the gym. He’s not pushing himself, mostly he’s watching Steve with a dopey little smile on his face. They’d given him a replacement arm in the last few weeks. It wouldn’t be permanent but it was enough for now. He felt less vulnerable.   
He feels so close, yet so far, but he knows soon he can be closer to the man that Steve deserves. Bucky knows once he won’t feel like a danger he’ll be able to open with his boyfriend(?). He isn’t actually sure what they are… they’re Bucky and Steve. He grins. That’s enough. 

“ _ You have no idea how much I want to go home! I'm so excited to see my family.” _ Bucky overhears two men speaking in Russian as they enter the gym. He knows that T’Challa had employees from all over the world and can't help but listen in, having not heard Russian from a friendly tongue ( other than Steve's butchered attempts ) in a long time.

“ _ I feel the same longing as you, my friend! I cannot wait to be home.”  _

Bucky freezes. Longing. That’s his first word and it only takes two words to change him now. He wants to leave, he knows he should. Bucky just wants to prove to Steve he can be normal, plus what are the odds-

“ _ Ah! I’m just so sad I can’t bring my car back to Moscow with me this trip! The weather there is dreadful this time of year, she’d be all rusted in a heartbeat! I wanted to drive my Alexandra around and show off! My car and my girl.”  _

A terrible coincidence. 

Bucky stops lifting weights, listening for an order from the men who have went into one of the sparring rings. 

“ _ Alright! Come on and fight! You couldn’t punch that fellow yesterday. Punch me now and I’ll stop mocking you!”  _

Within Bucky’s sight, as the man says ‘Punch me’, Bucky sees Steve run past him on the track. It doesn’t matter that he recognizes Steve, that they’re… friends? Someone else has the reins. 

“  _ Yes! Come and punch! Harder than that you weakling!” _

Bucky stands and stalks over to Steve, hesitant but not willing to reject an order. Steve turns, grins at Bucky widely before he sees the look in Bucky’s eyes. He ducks just as Bucky swings for his head, “Bucky! What the fuc-” 

He jumps as Bucky swings a leg out at his knees. Seeing the fight the other two in the room flee. They don’t want to be around a Super Soldier fight. 

“Bucky!” Steve swallows. He doesn’t know what caused this but he’s going to test something out. If he isn’t killed first.

“ Sarah! Brooklyn! Newspapers! 107th! Howlin- Oof!” Steve falls back on the ground as Bucky kicks him in the chest. Bucky hovers over him, goes to punch his face. Steve grabs the weight from a barbell and uses it for a shield, “Ha! Always got a shield, Buck! Howling Commandos!”He rolls out of the way and blocks the hits Bucky swings his way with the weight. 

“2014-” Steve throws the weight away and tackles Bucky to the ground, “ Together!” Steve watches as Bucky becomes more cognizant. He’s starting at Steve, confused, then horrified. 

“ Stevie-” Bucky’s voice breaks as he realizes what he’s done, “ Oh god, Steve- 

they were- the Russians! They were t-talking about missing home, and longing, and their stupid rusted car. Fuck!”  Bucky slams his head back against the floor, eyes squeezed shut as anguish flows through him. How could he have-!?  
Steve shushes him, lays a hand on Bucky’s cheek, “ Hey. It was a stupid coincidence. What were the odds of that happening? Buck. You didn’t hurt me.” Steve murmurs, leaning his forehead against Bucky’s, “ Look at me.” 

“ ‘m sorry.” Bucky gasps and Steve sits up, bringing Bucky with him. 

“ I got you, Bucky. Not your fault. None of this was.” Steve whispers, drawing him in close. They were almost there. 

 

~

 

Bucky has locked himself in his room ever since the incident in the gym. Steve can understand why, he doesn’t trust himself. There’s only one word between Bucky and freedom and they’re both  _ longing  _ for it to be gone. 

Steve’s decided what the last word should be. Despite his isolation Bucky admits that ‘shield’ was the second-last word. Steve is hesitant to tell Bucky is idea. 

It’s been a week since the gym and Steve thinks it’s time, thinks they should do this so Bucky can put his pain behind him. 

When he walks into Bucky’s room it’s empty, and Steve has a terrible feeling in his chest. He calls security and they tell him that Bucky left the room an hour ago, he’d gone down to the medical lab. He was talking with the technicians. 

Steve’s blood runs cold.

He runs, not bothering to wait for the elevator he flings himself down the stairs and tries to make it before Bucky does something stupid. 

When he runs into the cryo-freeze room Bucky is stepping into the chamber, “ Buck!”   
Like a deer in headlights Bucky turns around, staring a Steve, “... Stevie. You have to understand.” 

“ No, I don’t understand anything.” Steve says, reaching a hand out to him. Bucky steps back, “ We’re so close, Buck. Don’t leave me now.” 

There’s pain in Bucky’s features, “ If I don’t leave you I’ll end up killing you. I know it, and that’s exactly what they wanted! They want me to hurt you and I keep. Hurting. You.” 

“... you’re hurting me now.” Steve breathes, stepping forward, “ You’re hurting my heart. A life without you, Buck… it ain’t worth livin’.” He tries and Bucky’s face falls. 

“ Stevie, dont’ stay that. There’s so much more to it than me. You’ve got so much.” 

“ I  _ don’t. _ I dont’ have anything in this time that’s not mine. It’s not  _ ours.”  _ Steve feels tears fall from his eyes and wipes his cheek, “ Bucky, let me try. If it doesn’t work… okay, you can go back in there. But give me the chance.  _ Please. _ ” 

Bucky can’t say no when Steve is pleading to him, “ Stay it.” 

“ _ Zhelaniye.”  _

Bucky stares at him, waiting. For an order, for an ultimatum. 

“... I’m Steve. Stevie. Your best friend, your  _ boyfriend _ .” Steve gets a dopey little smile on his face as he walks forward with determination.

“I love you. I think I have since we were boys but isn’t it weird, seventy years in the future, defeating death… if this isn’t a love story I don’t know, Buck.” 

He takes Bucky’s hand, noticing that his prosthetic had been removed for freezing, “ I’m Steve and I love you. Please…  _ please _ . I don’t want you to leave me.” 

Steve takes a deep breath, smiling in hope. 

“...Bucky, Sarah, Brooklyn, Newspapers, 107th, Howling Commandos, Together, 2014, Shield… Steve.” 

Steve watches as Bucky closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and looks up at his boyfriend. 

There’s a pause before Bucky throws his arms around Steve’s neck, squeezing him tightly, “ Say them. Say them, Steve.” He begs. 

_ “ Zhelaniye, Rzhavyy, Semnadtsat, Rassvet, Pech’, Devyat’, Dobroserdechnyy, Vozvrascheniye na Rodinu, Odin, Vruzovoy vagon.” _

Steve waits, hopes, prays… listens as Bucky begins to sob against his neck. He’s free. They’re free. 

“ I got you, Buck. I got you.” Steve breathes as they sink to their knees. He’ll never have to be locked away again. 

~

 

It’s not a seamless transition to his freedom, but luckily Bucky has a very strong support system. When he wakes up from nightmares Steve will hold him, whispering softly in his ears the words that comfort him, that had saved them. 

“ Say the last one.” Bucky murmurs against Steve’s chest, a hand stroking down his boyfriend’s side. 

“Steve? Why Steve?” 

Bucky looks up at Steve who brushes his hair back out of his face, “Cause you’re my saviour.” 

“ Buck-”

“You are, Steve. You saved me. You always have my back.” 

“ Just repaying the favour.” Steve murmurs, leaning down until their lips meet. 

Together, they have each other’s backs. Together they can beat anything. They’ll cling to one another with their lives, nothing will tear them apart again. 

“Bucky.” Steve hums, into the kiss. 

“Steve.” 

Sometimes names are another way to say ‘I love you’.

**Author's Note:**

> I LOVE comments so much. Please comment, even if it's only little.  
> This is a WIP I've had since Civil War came out and I'm so happy to finally finish it. I'm sick of having WIPS.  
> Hope you enjoy. I'm awful at tagging so if you feel like I missed anything or the rating should be different let me know. Thanks everyone!


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